The weird thing is that change feels natural to me...until I start to think about. In the moment, I'm fine. I have friends here and I have my lovely roommates and floormates, who are great. I stay in touch with my friends from home, but not necessarily on a daily basis. Most of the connection we have now is through a really long, drawn-out facebook thread of messages between us. I don't see a problem with studying French in the 2nd Burton lounge or reading plays for David Wiles or hanging out in Sayles with Emily and Connor.

But then sometimes I start thinking, and it's thinking that screws everything up. I miss my best friends, the people to whom I could tell everything and not even have to worry about whether or not they'd judge me or be offended or understand what I mean, because they wouldn't and they wouldn't and they would. I miss having my own room, even if sometimes it meant sleeping on the couch when it got too cold. I miss thinking that 50 degrees is "cold." I miss sunshine. I miss my mom.

I don't know what I want to do with my life anymore. I did a year ago. I was convinced I knew what was right and couldn't possibly go down another track. Now I'm not so sure. I came in here planning to do a major in theatre with a concentration in educational studies. I don't think that's going to work out for me. I don't know what is. I've wanted to be a teacher since my sophomore year of high school, and even before that, I wanted to be in theatre. Now I don't know if I want to be in theatre. If I do, I don't know if I want to teach it. And if I do want to teach it, I have to major in English. I don't know if I have the confidence to major in English. Or the skill. I'm doing fine in my Shakespeare class but I can't figure out 150 intelligent words to say about Othello right now, which is frustrating. I wish it came naturally. Sometimes I wish I had gone to journalism school. Sometimes I realize that's an incredibly idiotic idea.

I miss life being simple(r).

Oh man. I had my first very drunk college night this weekend. I really don't drink much (who needs the calories?!) but I'm an incredible lightweight.

Saturday was the Ebony performance followed by the first Sayles Dance of the year. Ebony is a student run, no experience necessary dance group that I was a part of this term and it's super fun. I did a dance to Miley Cyrus' "Party in the USA" as well as "Jai-Ho" from Slumdog Millionaire... Sayles Dances are basically excuses for everyone to get really drunk and grind on random acquaintances. So...that's exactly what I did. Not necessarily what I should have been doing with my Saturday night in a responsible world, but it was fun nonetheless. Although I apparently ran around telling everyone that I made really bad decisions all night. (My decisions weren't all that bad, but drunk Holly thinks everything is a lot worse than sober Holly realizes they are.)

I have a French test tomorrow and an Othello quiz, but of course I've sat in the 2nd Burton lounge for the last two hours talking to floormates and reading People instead. I think this is really the worst choice I've made in a long time, not my drunken misadventures on Saturday. Oops?

I've been here for six weeks already. It's kind of unbelievable, to be honest. Some mornings I'll wake up and feel like I'm home--like I've been here forever--but other times it feels like my family just drove away and like I have no idea what I'm doing here or where anything is.

I really do love it here though. I mean, I have friends; I don't have best friends, but friends nonetheless. It's weird to look at people who are already in relationships or have unbelievably tight groups of friends. There are definitely people I enjoy spending time with, but then at the same time, I can't imagine ever getting as close to them as I am to the core. I definitely have fleeting moments of loneliness when I realize that the friends I do have are all closer to other people than they are to me. But I figure that's normal and I'll eventually find my groove. I mean, the core happened junior(?) year of high school. I can't expect my first two months in a new state to immediately produce people who love me.

I cut about six inches of my hair off. It felt like time for a change.