Going to a school like Carleton can really give a person a complex. Everyone here is really good at something. And slowly but surely, I'm coming to realize that the things that I was "really good at" in high school just aren't impressive anymore...because everyone is better.

I can't get involved with the theatre department here because although I was told so many times that "everyone gets cast!" at Carleton, and that our theatre department is really not all that stellar, guess what? I haven't gotten cast in anything. Student directed, performing groups, faculty directed... I haven't even gotten a single callback. I had auditions this weekend that I didn't make (again), and last term auditioned for literally a dozen things that I didn't make either. I was always told that I was a strong writer in high school, and now am finding that professors don't necessarily always hold that opinion. I feel like everyone here plays a sport or an instrument or is fluent in another language (or all of the above!), but I'm not athletic and I'm a shitty beginner guitarist and don't understand French. And on top of that, everyone is nice and charming and intelligent. Meanwhile, I feel unattractive and I'm struggling with problem sets for an hour longer than my friends, and can't even figure it out after asking them dozens of questions.

Don't get me wrong. I love Carleton. I'm still of the opinion that it's the best place on Earth, and I'm grateful that it's stretching me in directions I never thought I'd have to reach. But...feeling like you aren't good enough all the time is pretty exhausting.